


Survival mode

by LeoLyn17



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-17
Updated: 2017-09-17
Packaged: 2018-12-30 23:16:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,101
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12119373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LeoLyn17/pseuds/LeoLyn17
Summary: She's sitting in a cafe - corner seat..back against the wall..watchful as the world moves on..musing over what has brought her to this anonymous hole - in -the - wall cafe...





	Survival mode

**Author's Note:**

> Totally love these two characters...and hence this one shot from Natasha's POV.

As she sat in the cafe sipping her hot black coffee, the lyrics of the song filteres into her thoughts..

I'm fine  
Drop tears in the morning  
Give in to the lonely  
Here it comes with no warning  
Capsize, I'm first in the water  
Too close to the bottom  
I'm right back where I started  
Said I'm fine...

I'm swimming up against the tide..Oh my God..  
I'm swimming but I'm getting tired..Oh my God..

She startles..as the song literally forces her to think of the people and events she has thus far managed to ignore in the interest of survival..

To say that Natasha is a complicated woman would be putting it very mildly indeed.. Trained to be a stone cold killer by the KGB..she'd experienced untold brutalities to gain the name - Black Widow..a whisper was all it took to bring her enemies down to their knees..A loner..a master spy..trained assassin..tasked with more missions than she can recall..Yet never once has she felt this lonely..like she does now..on the run after what happened in Vienna and later in Germany.

She hopes that Clint's family - Laura and the kids are safe..She knows Clint is in fact safe. Safe as he can possibly be with Steve, Sam, Scott and Wanda . (She thanks her stars she hacked into the prison to get the codes, for a just in case scenario..she sent them to Steve anonymously knowing he'd get them out)..Thats the one thing thats been keeping her going..that though she played a part in them being incarcerated..she has also managed to help get them out.. It eases her mind somewhat..not completely though.. 

And Steve..a stray tear streaks its way down her cheek..but she doesn't notice it..she's too caught up in her memories..They'd had a spark..something..less than tangible..but something had started to emerge..in the months following the disaster that had been her relationship with Bruce Banner..He'd never asked..never sent her the pitying looks that the others had..just brisk conversation..sparring.and training new recruits..And somewhere in between all that..she'd fallen into rhythm with him..He'd been there..polite, well mannered and brutally honest..Now that he isn't around, Natasha can finally admit that she misses him. She misses his gentlemanly way, his sense of humour and the brevity he provides to all situations..his strong blue gaze that could sometimes very literally see into her soul..or she'd believed anyway, which was why she never maintained eye contact with him too long..or watched the long fingered hands as he worked out in the gym..or how the light would catch his golden hair..She shakes her head as if to push away those thoughts takes another quick sip of her now cooling drink..

Once she started recognising the signs she slowly and systematically started putting distance between them both physically and emotionally..she'd even told him to ask out out Sharon..as if that hadn't made her cringe inwardly.. Her thoughts were congratulating her for being the ultimate soldier and spy..while her heart and body traitorously refused to be silenced.. blood pumping, face flaming furiously..as if to protest her actions.. She'd had to exercise every bit of restraint she could while laid a soft chaste kiss on his cheek and walked away..she had to hold her body and mind in check while every little part of her wanted to turn back and hurl herself into his arms..begging him to ignore what she'd suggested just moments ago and love her..... But she knows she isn't made for love..or fairy tale endings..or happily ever afters.. As she's been told over and over again..Love is for children.. Natasha's never been a child.. Besides he..Steve needs someone good..good from within..someone the exact opposite of her..like Sharon..even the name tastes bitter on her tongue.. Nevertheless that's what she'd done..steeled her heart and walked away from him..

Then the Accords happened..she knew perfectly well Steve would never sign them..then and there she'd decided to play Devil's advocate and support them. The look of utter betrayal he'd given her, when she'd voiced her opinion had almost made her buckle..almost made her change her mind..Almost..but not quite. It was obvious to her that it was going to come down to them..Steve and Tony..and it tore her in two but she'd realised that she would need to keep a check on Tony..and the only way she could do that was by signing the damned Accords. She also had an inkling that she may be able to help Steve, if push came to shove...and that was exactly what she had done....but too much had happened..too much to ignore. Steve's words keep playing in her mind..she recalls them with perfect clarity.."We may not be perfect but the safest hands are still our own." In her heart she agreed and that only convinced her more of the role she needed to play. Of course, in light of what happened at the hanger afterward, she is now Persona non grata with Tony Stark, but that simply cannot be helped..She needed to let him - them (Steve and Bucky) go.

And now after everything, she feels like she's right back where she started - Public Enemy Number One - with General Ross, Tony..and no idea where the rest of her team mates are.. Its best that way...that way her mud spattered name won't taint them any further. She can survive this..she has lived through worse..she is the Black Widow..one day at a time..one hour at a time..one minute at a time..Just breathe in and out..

Natasha takes a deep and bracing breath and exhales..breathing in the coffee beans and normalcy.. breathing out the stress.. the song has long since ended..another one is playing now..Drinking the last of the now cold coffee, and completing a check of the people around her, she pulls her hood on..and walks out of the coffee shop.. Her head has to go into witness protection programme..Everyone's looking for green eyed redhead...so let's surprise them, she thinks..

A couple of hours later as she strolls past a shop window, she takes a look at her reflection.. a wry grin pulls at the corner of her mouth as a blue eyed platinum blonde grins back at her!


End file.
